So I wanted to write, right? (pun intended-sorry) But I can’t because life turned a different corner than I desired. In order to write, I have to have guaranteed time to myself. Solitude. I tried. I told everyone “2 hours a day!” I held them to it. Now, I want to say it was their fault, but it could have been mine. In all honesty, I don’t want to be mad at anyone, so I just encircle it with the broadened excuse of being a contributing family member with responsibilities.
So, I thought I would go to the library to write, right? (this time it wasn’t intended) Nope. The closest library is 30 minutes away and would take $6 in gas every day that I went. I can’t afford that. I would SO be found anywhere on the property (although the woods are giving me an idea), and staying up late resorts in sleeping in too late, and I won’t make myself get up early enough. Besides, getting up early means you have to quit before you may want to. I may be on an amazing role and have to stop, losing all thoughts completely.
This is why I’ve had this book in my head for 10 years. Seriously. 10 years. I started when I was a new mother in Knoxville. Then this happened, then that. It got forgotten. As soon as I was able to work on it again-BAM! Life said no. It’s been rather cruel actually. It’s like I’m given this amazing story for the world to read, and not only am I not being able to write it, I’m being taunted by the taste of it. I get amazing ideas only to have them leave my mind the second I hear “Mom” or “Dear”. I’ll be writing only to have the same thing happen the SECOND I get back into the groove enough to know what I’m doing. (Writers know what I mean. It takes a few minutes to figure out what you were working on, etc.)
So, I was reading Shelby’s blog again, and became inspired…again. (Her blog is so awesome.) And now I realize what my next step is. I have to list all my characters and find the end before I can write the middle. I’m awesome at beginnings. No really, awesome. And there was this stubborn arrogance within me that refused to accept the fact that I needed an outline or character analyses or anything of that nature. This was my adventure. I was going to live it inside my head and write down what happened.
That’s just stupid. Why would I be so stubborn? The more I read about authors I liked, the more I realized what I wasn’t doing right. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to start with the end. Literally. I have to write out the characters that the reader won’t even know about until the ending. It’s actually starting to feel easier now.
WARNING! COMPLAINING AHEAD!!
Now, for those who don’t want to hear complaining, or think this is just TMI, skip the following. But for those of you who are truly wondering how on earth I can’t find the time, please read:
My husband is legally blind. This means I am on call, 24/7 if he needs me for anything. We can’t afford to leave the house more than once (or twice if emergency) a week because we can’t afford the gas. I can’t send my child to school because there is only one he can go to, and it won’t give him textbooks, failing him instead. Seriously, I’m not making that up. We are remote in where we live, making many other things difficult. Now, shouldn’t that give me all the time in the world, being remote and without an “employer”? I have to fix breakfast for everyone most mornings, and sometimes other meals as well. (We never buy anything premade or go out to eat because we can’t afford it.) I spend several hours (sometimes MANY hours) homeschooling my child every day. Then I spend time doing housework for a family that stays home ALL DAY EVERY DAY. This is far more housework than most mothers with schoolaged children have. By then I need a moment to relax my mind before I do whatever else needs doing. By the time I have a moment of freetime, I don’t know what to do with it. Literally. I just stand/sit there going “What am I supposed to be doing? I don’t know what to do?” ALL home moms know this feeling!!
To get around this, I am going back to school this fall so that I can get a good job, so we can move, so my child can go back to school. Which means I’ll be working full time and not be able to write any more then, than I can now. See the cruelty of this? This means I have to homeschool all summer long because I can’t on the days I’m in class.
So why am I writing this instead of what I want to? Therapy for one. For another, I have to leave in 40 minutes to take my dog to the vet 40 minutes away to discuss whether or not to put her down because she’s incontinent and we can’t afford the medicine. You try writing with that over you head!
*PS-We found a cheap medicine we can afford and are hoping it works*
I’M DONE NOW-THANK YOU!
There! I’m done complaining. Wow! That’s been building up. I feel better now! Thanks for listening . No more complaining, promise.
So, there you have it. Lesson to learn from this? My stubbornness has easily set me back a year, maybe more. Don’t be stubborn. Even the best authors (no, I don’t consider myself among that group) need outlines, character analyses, story arcs, etc. Use them.